an open letter to movie theater employees

dear movie theater employee at any movie theater,

let’s first level with each other and say that we’re pretty much on the same level. I too was once a ticket-tearer; the only difference is you now wear snazzy polo-style shirts, and I wore a white button down shirt, crimson vest and a shiny black bow tie (said vest had one too many questionable stains. you don’t even know how much you lucked out with your standard-issued polo). nonetheless, you and I both thought “I desperately need to be making minimum wage and be quasi-sexually harassed  by pervy 16-year-old theater “ushers.”

so we applied, passed our interview by proving that we weren’t currently stoned and were at work the following day 10 minutes after our shift started. I know what your day is filled with: popcorn clean up on aisle EVERY INCH OF THE BUILDING, guiding people to either walk to their right or their left, going to your shift manager when someone complains about profanity in a movie (sorry, ma’am, it appears that I’m 16 and don’t have the connections or the drive to have written the movie you’re currently watching) and having the last five minutes of every movie ruined, because you just have to be ready to pick up the half-consumed cups of Coke, currently valued at $6.50, that the patrons left behind (via Kirk Cameron).

I want you focus on the positive aspects of your job, though. if I remember correctly, you can bring in your own cup and get unlimited fountain soda goodness (ACNE!). you get to see movies for free. YOU GET TO SEE MOVIES FOR FREE. you get the hook-up on snacks if you play your cards right with Billy, Steven, Dave, whatever-his-name-is. the butter from the butter-dispensing machine and the salt from the condiment station really fuse together to make a nice exfoliant. and, really, your basic responsibility is to provide assistance but not really be noticed (you’re the other twin in an episode of Full House).

I want you to know that I appreciate you. I want you to know that I always throw away my trash when I leave the theater. I want you to know that I put up my arm rest as I leave, even though I don’t think that task is asked of you as it was asked of me. and I hope that one day you direct your own movie and premiere it, against your agent, your production company, your manager, your distributor, your publicist, Clint Eastwood, Betty White and Estelle Getty’s wishes, at the very theater you once cleaned. I hope you realize this means that Clint Eastwood and Betty White live forever and that Estelle Getty’s passing was just a terrible nightmare.

my only request is that you lighten up on that “you appear to be under 25 so I have to ID your 27-year-old self at an 11:30 a.m. showing of Young Adult.” I once let an 11-year-old into How High and she probably turned out a lot better than the protagonist in Young Adult.

Tags: comedy, Hello Giggles, movie theater employees, Open Letters

best of…

I was going to do one of those “best of 2011″ lists, but then I looked at the date and thought “you’ve done it again, Melissa Joanne, you’ve missed the deadline.” [side note: I missed my sophomore year final exams, because my ears missed the blaring beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep...beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep...beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beeps coming from the alarm clock I still use.]

but then I thought “shooooo, girl, you are so fickle” and also “shooooo, girl, you can’t be focusing on one single year.” so, I’ve made my list of “the top 11 songs that I’m currently loving that just so happen to have been released in some year.” Paste Magazine rejected this list…something about “rambling.”

11

honeyhoney “Slow Brains“ I started listening to honeyhoney when I knew I would be seeing them play with Leftover Cuties, whom I absolutely adore. however, after I saw them, it became one of those situations where you have “original friend” (we’ll call her Daisy) and then you have “new friend who you met through ‘original friend’” (we’ll call her La Tonya). days start to pass as days so often do, and you realize you actually have more in common with La Tonya than you do Daisy. and even though you love Daisy and will always “go grab some lunch,” you call La Tonya up and are like “bring over some Smirnoff Grape because we’re watching The Facts of Life on blu-ray.” bottom line, this band is wonderful and this one of my favorite songs from their discography.

Dolly Parton ”Applejack” growing up in East Tennessee, you couldn’t avoid Dolly and you certainly didn’t want to do so. my childhood best friend had season passes to Dollywood, (maybe they were her parents’ passes. that makes more sense), and we would take advantage of those like crazy. after the indoor roller coaster where you’re taken through scenes of a town a blazin’, my favorite part of Dollywood was Ms. Parton’s show where she sang a song about Jackson Taylor. AKA…Applejack. I’ve often hoped that if I were to have a daughter, she would get Dolly’s breasts and both of our love of Appalachia.

Robinella ”Down the Mountain” I love this song. it captures many things I love, it literally makes me smile, and now it makes me think of my brother’s wedding! my broseph and his fiancee have gotten this talented chica to play their wedding, and I have the highest of hopes that she and I will instantly become best friends. I’ve been OD’ing on some Robinella since it was confirmed that I would not be the live entertainment at the reception, and now I can’t stop listening to this song.

Yazoo ”Only You” There are times when life hands you the sweetest luck in having your “I’ll just see what’s on TV” match up with an airing of ‘Can’t Hardly Wait.’ although the scene where the stoners attempt to explain what Preston looks like to JLH’s Amanda is my favorite scene ever, the ending at the train station is golden. things I love in the final few minutes of this award-winning (I’m sure it got a Teen Choice Award) film: Preston’s red jacket, Amanda’s khaki pants, the acting ability of Ethan Embry’s eyes and “Only You.”

Gotye ”Eyes Wide Open” I’m really not sure where I heard this song/singer (whose actual name is Wouter “Wally” De Backer…17 points awarded to your parents, sir) first, but I know with absolute certainty that I love it/him. I’m also hoping that you will add to the political debate happening in the comments section of this youtube video, because that’s where intelligent discourse should take place and clearly where it will take flight into real change.

Fitz & the Tantrums “Winds of Change” I thought their name sounded extra cool when I first heard of these guys, so I thought “I should say I like them immediately.” luckily, they turned out to be a really great band. there’s really not a song off of ‘Pickin’ Up the Pieces’ that I don’t like, and this is one of my faves.

Brandi Carlile ”Keep Your Heart Young” if you and I have had two or three conversations, you probably know that I love Brandi Carlile with all my heart. I could easily choose any of her songs, but this is a newbie that I hope will soon be on a new album. I love it, I love it, I love it. I have nothing else to say about it.

Mary J. Blige “Family Affair” really? you need a paragraph here?

Katie Herzig ”Wish You Well” this is a song I never skip when it pops up on my shuffle. no matter the setting, no matter the season, no matter how many singer/songwriters I’ve just listened to, I will soak in some Herzig. I think she’s a beautiful soul. I said it, and I mean it.

30 Seconds to Mars ”Kings and Queens” Spotify is to thank for my “remembrance of love” for 30 Seconds to Mars. I mean, I don’t know that I ever had a truly passionate love for them, because it probably had more so to do with Jared Leto’s eyes. and when I hear this song, I close my less gorgeous eyes, picture his, and wail along with the spirit of Claire Danes at my side. LIGHTERS UP!

Gregory Alan Isakov  ”3 a.m.” if I were a doctor, I would prescribe that you listen to this song on a cold, gray, early winter morn’ as your feet shuffle through a light snow and your eyes follow a sparrow that just crests the top of a frost-lined hilltop. if that setting doesn’t suit your current setting, just close your eyes and let this one soak in. but open your eyes when you watch the video, cause he’s wearing a cute hat.

so, to sum it up, I currently have a $39.43 credit on iTunes…what music should I be downloading?

plush

it’s been brought to my attention by some part of my brain that I still very much so like stuffed animals. and can we quickly address the fact that I just now doubted that “stuffed animals” was an actual term? I feared for a moment that I should have said “doll” or “fluffy creature” or “acceptable cuddle.”

I’ve found myself on pretty much a daily basis thinking “I would love to have him/her/it in plush form.” below is a sampling of the plush I currently need in my life:

Ron Paul–I think it’s a combo of his hair and his size-too-big suits that inspires the plush.

Ty Burrell–I think it’s everything about him that inspires the plush.

baby monkey, backwards on a pig–I think it’s the fact that he chose to ride the pig backwards that inspires the plush.

the Disaronno spokesperson–I think it’s knowing that he wouldn’t be able to riddle off his mathematical drinking recipes (since he would be stuffed) that inspires the plush

Smidgen–I think it’s because…SHUT YOUR FACE AND LOOK AT HERS…that inspires the plush.

Patsy –I think it’s because…SHUT YOUR FACE AND LOOK AT HERS…that inspires the plush.

Zooey Deschaenal–I think it’s knowing that I could sing “the touch/the feel/the fabric of our lives” without feeling second best that inspires the plush. also, she’s the cutest thing ever.

Jason Ritter–I think it’s the good two-for-one deal of getting Jason and Captain Morgan that inspires the plush. [this deal not good with any other offer and will probably expire when his character is written off 'Parenthood']

Tito à la Tito’s Tacos–without a doubt, the only thing better than a Tito’s taco is two…or Tito himself.

Emmy, the award statue–I think the feeling of accomplishment is what inspires the plush. plus, I would take it everywhere I go.

Temple Grandin–I think it’s the fact that I would be over the moon to accept the actual Temple Grandin or the Claire Dane’s portrayal that inspires the plush.

the next person I date–I think the awkwardness that will occur is what inspires the plush.

David the Gnome–it’s the cuteness; simply just the cuteness that inspires the plush.

Big Edie and/or Little Edie–this one comes with a clause: both plush dolls would have to come with draw strings to hear Big Edie say “Eeeeeeeeeedie” and to hear Little Edie’s description of why she chose her costume for the day.

Jabber from ’Parenthood’–the certainty that I have the cutest kid to ever walk this planet in plush form is what inspires the plush.

my 86-year-old neighbor, Sarah–you may not know her, but everything about her inspires the plush.

Mayhem from Allstate–I think it’s the way he excites and guilts me while watching a commercial that inspires the plush.

Amelia Bedelia–it’s just the right thing to do.

the Berenstain Bears–I think it’s because I know I had these as a kid, and like, WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO GO INTO THE GARAGE SALE, PARENTALS?!…that inspires the once-owned plush.

Rob Kardashian–I think it’s the fact that I could make him feel loved that inspires the plush.

Dallas Raines à la ABC7 Eyewitness news–I think it’s his passion for meteorology that inspires the plush.

Sophia Grace and Rosie à la The Ellen DeGeneres Show–I think for one of them it’s the giddy excitement and for the other it’s the hype that inspires the plush. I would also accept Nicki Minaj but only if she were wearing an outfit from Talbots.

Dolly Parton–I think it’s my need for more pillows (HAHAHAHAHAHA, GET IT? CAUSE OF HER BREASTS…) that inspires the plush. no, but seriously, I love Dolly.

the arctic puppets from Elf–they’re arctic puppets. done.

my high school boyfriend–I think it’s the peace that would come from telling my mom “no, we really were just sleeping in the bed” that inspires the plush.

Ryan Gosling–I think it’s the fact that I could say “it’s like I’m the juicer, and he’s the fruit” that inspires the plush.

so, this list is my gift to you on this fine Friday, December 9, 2011. your gift to me can be any/all of the items on this list.

welcome back, Carter (I know, that’s incorrect…I was born in ’84 though)

the year was 2011. the month was June. the first day of summer was upon us but, like, nobody in Los Angeles cared. and me? I wrote my last blog post. but, no, not my last blog post ever, because how ya like me now?!

I’ve known for quite some time that I haven’t been blogging, but I found it difficult to jump back in. I felt like there would be pressure to write something absolutely amazing (but when is there not? am I right, Danielle Steel?). or I thought I would do something really great and then have no new material (am I right, Shirley Temple?) You guys, I love Shirley Temple and will until my dying day. we need to be honest, though, about the fact that, in film, she never changed her hair style, she often had parents who had died, and let’s be real honest and say that I think she took advantage of the “hired help.” but I am back, y’all. I am going to force myself to stay back. stay back? does that make sense?  regardless, let’s move on.

I’m going to wrap this post up now. it’s only 10:41 a.m., and I don’t think I should push my luck. in fact, I don’t think any of us should. I’ll close by saying that I do very much so want to pen my ramblings more often, and I will try my hardest to do so. this life in LA, this life we all live is a wonderful mess, and if I blog there’s a chance it will get lost in the shuffle or be re-tweeted by @JohnStamos. I’m OK with either outcome.

high-fives to you all,

mj

each the other’s world entire

so I’m reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy. I mentioned to my brother a couple years ago that I wanted to read some of his work, so he got me this book for Christmas…a couple years ago. I started it when he gave it to me. I read a little more over the summer last year. And then it sat on my bookshelf looking all full of language arts lessons. I genuinely do enjoy books. I love stories. I love language. I’m just not an incredible reader. let’s get back to present day though. I am currently reading The Road, and while it definitely has a bleak and exhaustive theme, it’s beautiful.

I love his phrasing and his ability to use the most random metaphor and your response is “oh, ok…wow, I get it.”

“Then they set out along the blacktop in the gunmetal light, shuffling through the ash, each the other’s world entire.”

“He thought if he lived long enough the world at last would all be lost. Like the dying world the newly blind inhabit, all of it slowly fading from memory.”

“The small wad of burning paper drew down to a wisp of flame and then died out leaving a faint pattern for just a moment in the incandescence like the shape of a flower, a molten rose. Then all was dark again.”

I’m looking forward to the rest of it. I think the story could get a bit repetitive and drawn out, but I feel like the way it’s written will keep me in awe for the majority of it. I think that’s one of the reasons why I’m drawn to the singer/songwriter types. they’re so damn good at expressing common thoughts and hopes in beautiful ways that just punch you in the gut. you’re able to identify with what someone is going through, you can validate your feelings, and you’re given words that make a far more profound status update than anything you could have thrown together.

I’ve thought of Terra Naomi’s “You For Me” while reading this book. it’s one of my favorite songs of hers. the tempo is just a little more upbeat than what I imagine the soundtrack to The Road would be.

in other news, I’ve been sitting on my couch while writing this. I leaned back and heard a horribly scary crackling noise. my first thought was that something was wrong with the couch. then I thought, nope, it’s gotta be my brain. OH DEAR GOD…SOMETHING IN MY BRAIN IS CRACKLING. I then proceeded to move my neck back and forth on the couch for roughly 45 seconds before realizing that the noise was coming from my sunglasses that I had placed on top of the hat I’m wearing. so, clearly I do need to read more, and I’m gonna get on that right now.

enjoy this performance of “You For Me” by Terra Naomi. it’s beautiful, and she is awesome. also, I always thought she was saying “delight” at the end of my favorite line. apparently it’s “tonight.” all is OK; my favorite still.

“we’ll see things more clearly in the absence of the light and we’ll realize there’s nothing more than this tonight.”

Tags: Cormac McCarthy, Terra Naomi